Men Who Engage in the Ten-Year Challenge.

As though “men” needed to pretend in some way–once more–that their looks have any bearing on their ability to “snag” a broad, their strange participation in the “ten-year challenge” that has taken all social media avenues by storm seems but only one more reason to prove to women that we should all surrender to going lez or asexual. For there is nothing sadder than seeing just how much more pronounced guts and receding hairlines have gotten over the years. And yet, women are supposed to somehow be endlessly impressed that a “man” has remained so “intact.” So “well-preserved.” Even though no matter how fucking ugly he was then and now, his odds of getting just about anyone he wants will not be affected as the ratio of heterosexual men to women only continues to tip in favor of the former.

Still, the “man” participating in the ten-year challenge ultimately just wants to seem relatable and timelessly “fun-loving.” As prone to “tomfoolery” then as he is now (kind of  like Brett Kavanaugh). And he’s got the same “timeless” flannel shirt likely from American Eagle or Abercrombie to prove it. Or, depending on his “niche,” maybe Gap or Old Navy. He’s not really sure what he’s trying to convey with this side by side glance at fast existentialism, but he knows everyone else is doing it–and he’ll be damned if he can’t still get laid tonight based on 2019’s photo.

Men Who Update Their Facebook Statuses With the Color Box.

Like hashtags, abbreviated words (“nvm,” “txt,” “l8tr,” etc.) and Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, the color box status update on Facebook is something that seemingly came out of nowhere, an entity with origins too unclear to trace. But what’s even more unclear than this is why “men” so especially favor using this means to express themselves on social media, to update us all of their general “amazingness” a.k.a. complete and utter dicklessness.

The most banal of statements, like “Wrote an email to my landlord,” cannot be masked or made more interesting by the presence of bold, vibrant colors. And isn’t this the probable intent of the color boxes on Facebook? To make others believe you’re living out loud via the distraction of bombastic chroma. But no hue from the color wheel can conceal the truth about you, “man”: you’re an irrevocable asshole with nothing going on in your life other than the not so unique ability to regurgitate quotes or give a cut and dried account of all the meaninglessness in your life.

Men Who Ghost You Then Invite You To An Event on Facebook Months Later.

Ghosting is hands down the most dickish (in spite of being allusive to not having a dick), cowardly move a “man” can make on the interpersonal relationship front. However, once he decides to go through with it, it’s very important that he sticks to the sociopathic choice. There shall be no recycling allowed.

And yet, for whatever reason, there are occasions for a “man” to fuck up (every second of the day is an occasion for them, really) and “mistakenly” invite you to one of their “events” on Facebook. But honestly, there are no mistakes when it comes to these invites, for what kind of non-discerning asshole clicks the Invite All button on this sort of thing? Everyone knows they must sift through their list of contacts (ultimately, people on Facebook are contacts, not friends) to ensure that no unwanted demons from the past are unburied.

Thus, for the ghosting “man” to attempt summoning you to one of his shitty performances, be they comedic, musical or otherwise, as a soft-dicked method to “feel out” your sentiments toward him is utterly vile. You wanted to disappear, so fucking stay that way.

Men Who Don’t Realize A Simple ‘Like’ Will Suffice Over a Comment.

For whatever reason, “men” like to believe that others care about their generally uninformed opinion. This is probably why so many of them prefer to comment on something posted on Facebook rather than simply liking it, not seeming to understand that the comments section is typically reserved for the over 50 set.

Keep yo comments to yo damn self

Keep yo comments to yo damn self

What they fail to take into account is that no one cares about what they have to say, nor does the person posting wish to endure the embarrassment of whatever their “witty” (read: snarky) comment is attempting to say. To add to the dicklessness, these “men” don’t even bother to hit the like button in addition to their comment to at least somewhat cushion the blow. But alas, since no one listens to them in life, perhaps they feel inclined to get their sentiments expressed in a way that can’t be ignored by others.

Men With Improper Facebook Etiquette.

So I know Facebook is, like, over or whatever, but it’s still a large organ of communication and perception. Men, being mostly unaware of where they are or what they’re doing for the majority of the time, have trouble noting the value and importance of this tool. For instance, if someone sends you a message on Facebook, you respond to it. If someone posts something on your wall, you “like” it. Even if you really don’t. In Wburg, where everyone is just so beyond such quaint forms of social media that are still heavily favored in the Midwest and South, a lack of Facebook etiquette shows not only a form of dicklessness, but also the missing a brain issue (which includes the total oblivion of 21st century social cues). And anyway, just because Mark Zuckerberg probably doesn’t have a dick and lives in Williamsburg, doesn’t mean you should use his creation improperly.