Men Who Aren’t Aware That Emojis Are Interpreted With the Same Level of Study as the Talmud.

A happy face. A face with a wink and a tongue sticking out. A “man” on a surfboard. It all seems so innocent and nonchalant to most “men” unaware that texting is an art form that should be treated with the same level of care as writing a thesis. Because the woman on the other side of that text is going to analyze it with the meticulousness of a holy document, and he should at least have the consideration to know that any especially esoteric emoji will keep her busy dissecting for hours.

It can’t be helped, really, as she wants so badly to find depth and thought where there is none: inside a “man’s” mind. But no, the “male” texter in question has far less strategy in his method of communication, arbitrarily choosing laughing, crying or kissy faces as the whim strikes him. If only he could put just a touch more intent behind what he said, as opposed to emitting what amounts to emoji salad, a grab bag of meaninglessness that the girl he’s sending it to is deranged enough to attempt deciphering like Talmudic law.

Men Who Use Bromojis.

If you haven’t heard about Bromojis, maybe you have a dick. The latest emoji app to clutter the iPhone universe is not only telling of the alarming number of bros there are in the world (and Williamsburg area), but also just how easy it is for “men” to capitalize on a bro’s willingness to waste money.

Pertinent to the bro

Pertinent to the bro

Invented by four Williamsburg denizens, in fact, it’s only fitting that the quartet would see directly into the mind of a bro by incorporating phrases like, “Bro, what’s ur sister’s number?” and a simple “Blow me.” To be sure, the app signals the tangible manifestation of a reversion to caveman speak. God or whoever help us all. The language of “men” continues to fulfill an Orwellian prophecy.