eating pussy

Men Who Prove Madonna Right.

February 15, 2015 — Leave a comment

In a recent interview, Madonna was asked about her opinion on Fifty Shades of Grey. Like most intelligent people, she wasn’t impressed. In particular, it was Christian Grey’s predilection for constantly eating out that made her quite skeptical of the story’s credibility.

Techinically, Madonna had to pay this man to give her head for her Sex book

Techinically, Madonna had to pay this man to give her head for her Sex book


In addition to finding the book “not very sexy,” Madonna further commented, “I kept waiting for something exciting and crazy to happen in that red room thing, and I was like, ‘Hmm, a lot of spanking.’ I also thought, ‘This is so unrealistic because no guy goes down on a girl that much.’ I’m sorry, but no one eats pussy as much as the guy in that book.” And, if, in fact, you’re one of the “men” who proves Madonna’s belief to be true, then you best whip those tongue muscles into shape and get to werq. This is Williamsburg, not Jersey–you’re not Corrado fucking Soprano.

Men Who Eat And/Or Handle Pussy With the Disgust of a Gay Man.

October 1, 2014 — Leave a comment

Even if you cross the initial hurdle of finding a “man” who eats pussy as often as he should, the next step is finding one who doesn’t treat your delicate flesh as though it’s contaminated (though of course it might be). Contrary to the common desire of “men” to want women to become as instantaneously wet as Lolita, getting to that point takes a certain amount of handling and the illusion of giving a shit about that specific vag. Bearing the psychological complexities of an actual human being, expecting to make a vag wet by either 1) not touching/licking it or 2) appearing utterly disgusted while doing the aforementioned (either through facial expression or disinterested hand or tongue motions) is not realistic.

This is how women look and feel when they're getting head from a "man" who handles a vag like vermin

This is how women look and feel when they’re getting head from a “man” who handles their vag like vermin


Let us take a moment to review the sort of “man” who is generally repulsed by a vagina: gay ones. While many women will be the first to admit that a pussy isn’t the most pleasant with regard to aesthetic and odor, it is also not the most foul creation ever to be rendered into existence. So stop treating it as such. Requests for a woman to take a shower before you eat her out will result in complete rescindment of the sexual offer, as it indicates you are something of a bitch who can’t handle and/or treat the pussy with the respect it’s due. Entreaties to shave or wax are justifiable, though not when your reaction to the orifice continues to be one of sheer revulsion. So as you work through your contempt for the V, you may also need to work through the possibility that your sexuality is a 6 on the Kinsey scale.

Men Who Don’t Eat Out.

April 11, 2014 — 12 Comments

For those of you with a purer mind, “men” who don’t eat out does not refer to him going to a restaurant. It refers, of course, to him eating pussy. The “man” who makes excuses not to clearly has a fear of the vagina, the feminine essence and may possibly suffer from gynophobia–the least masculine thing ever.

Women know how to eat pussy--ergo they're the ones with the real dicks.

Women know how to eat pussy–ergo they’re the ones with the real dicks.

Some Williamsburg “men” aren’t averse to it just because they have no idea how to operate the equipment down there, but also because they use the excuse of cleanliness/lack of waxing as a reason for avoiding the act. As any “man” worth his weight in dick will tell you, a full bush with a slight odor should never detract one from licking that pussy.

After all, aren’t women always willing to lick, suck and pull your sorry excuse for a penis? The least you can do is return the courtesy early and often. ‘Cause we all know you ain’t givin’ nobody an orgasm with that nub of yours, so you best use your goddamn mouth for something other than talking about your latest Apple product/how generally amazing you are.