Men Who Prove Madonna Right.

In a recent interview, Madonna was asked about her opinion on Fifty Shades of Grey. Like most intelligent people, she wasn’t impressed. In particular, it was Christian Grey’s predilection for constantly eating out that made her quite skeptical of the story’s credibility.

Techinically, Madonna had to pay this man to give her head for her Sex book

Techinically, Madonna had to pay this man to give her head for her Sex book

In addition to finding the book “not very sexy,” Madonna further commented, “I kept waiting for something exciting and crazy to happen in that red room thing, and I was like, ‘Hmm, a lot of spanking.’ I also thought, ‘This is so unrealistic because no guy goes down on a girl that much.’ I’m sorry, but no one eats pussy as much as the guy in that book.” And, if, in fact, you’re one of the “men” who proves Madonna’s belief to be true, then you best whip those tongue muscles into shape and get to werq. This is Williamsburg, not Jersey–you’re not Corrado fucking Soprano.

Men Who Don’t Eat Out.

For those of you with a purer mind, “men” who don’t eat out does not refer to him going to a restaurant. It refers, of course, to him eating pussy. The “man” who makes excuses not to clearly has a fear of the vagina, the feminine essence and may possibly suffer from gynophobia–the least masculine thing ever.

Women know how to eat pussy--ergo they're the ones with the real dicks.

Women know how to eat pussy–ergo they’re the ones with the real dicks.

Some Williamsburg “men” aren’t averse to it just because they have no idea how to operate the equipment down there, but also because they use the excuse of cleanliness/lack of waxing as a reason for avoiding the act. As any “man” worth his weight in dick will tell you, a full bush with a slight odor should never detract one from licking that pussy.

After all, aren’t women always willing to lick, suck and pull your sorry excuse for a penis? The least you can do is return the courtesy early and often. ‘Cause we all know you ain’t givin’ nobody an orgasm with that nub of yours, so you best use your goddamn mouth for something other than talking about your latest Apple product/how generally amazing you are.