Men Who Are Mixologists.

As the saying goes, “men” who are mixologists are mixed in gender. For one, a mixologist is really just a bartender, so we should all probably stick to calling it what it is instead of trying to glorify it with the excuse that there’s more pomp and circumstance to mixology. For another, a real “man” would never pass himself off as/call himself a mixologist. Because he knows the integrity of the drink is in the getting drunk aspect, not the contents.

Now here's a bartender you can get on board with.

Now here’s a bartender you can get on board with.

The main difference, if you must decide to put one there, between mixologists and bartenders is that a mixologist is okay with giving his drinks a culinary spin. But like, if I wanted a fucking alcoholic stew, I would just order a Bloody Mary and be done with it. Mixologists have this faux air of superiority because they think there’s no value to simply opening a can or pouring someone a drink. But you see, this is the most valuable task of all, and no amount of bells or whistles can make what a bartender does any less special than what a mixologist does. So you keep your garnishes and your infusions, and leave the hard stuff to the bartender.

Men Who Buy Drinks and Expect You to Bang Them Afterward.

When you’re at a bar, wearing your whorish Forever 21 clothes and being both annoyed when a “man” hits on you and annoyed when he doesn’t, there’s nothing worse and more triumphant than when he finally buys you a drink. It’s nice for the obvious reasons in that you’ve just saved some money for the evening, but it’s also horrendous because now you’re, in his eyes, automatically beholden.

Another dilemma with being bought a drink

Another dilemma with being bought a drink

There are a number of ways to approach this situation once you’ve quickly guzzled the drink: 1) You can run out the door and go to the next bar, 2) You can entertain the “man’s” flirtations until someone else swoops you away or 3) You can fuck him. The third one is not typically recommended when you’re past the age of 20 as it connotes sluttiness rather than youthful naïveté. It’s also not recommended because if, as a “man,” you need to rely on buying drinks for women (cheap, shitty beer/shots from Lucky Dog, Skinny Dennis, etc., one might add), then you’re probably not very interesting or charming to begin with. At least start by saying something that infers you have magnetism beyond your wallet.