Men Who Assume That Their Material Success Is Enough to Impress.

Though we keep telling ourselves that gender roles are an illusion (and soon enough so will reality be altogether thanks to, among other things, persistent hologram concerts from the likes of Roy Orbison and Amy Winehouse), it would seem that many “men” still rely on the tried and true Jay Gatsby go-to of making a shit ton of money in order to both impress therefore “procure” a woman. Tragically, what he can’t seem to procure is a clue regarding how to be sociable in a way that doesn’t scream “eccentric millionaire” (although one hopes, at the very least, not at quite the same decibel as Howard Hughes). So he goes about his usual manner of being a bumbling idiot that somehow managed to make him vast sums of money not in the face of but precisely because he is socially inept and generally daft.

The girl, of course, is partially at fault for falling into the cliche trap of wanting to be, to use a gross, parody of something Frank Sinatra would say, wined and dined, allowing herself to fall prey to the inevitable sandpaper hangout session. Because, what can she say, that statistic about women making seventy-five cents for every dollar a “man” makes still rings true, and thusly, she could use a paid for meal every now and again. Yet for all his best attempts to treat the dinner like a job interview and go on about his various qualifications for the role of potential fuck and maybe–if she’s lucky–boyfriend, she is, as usual, of the Shania bent, not impressed much. And in truth, sort of just trying to get through the dinner without vomiting her food too prematurely (that’s for later, in the privacy of her own bathroom). So it must be said that just because a “man” has a wallet more burgeoning and thrilling than his so-called panisse does not mean it is enough to 1) keep a woman’s interest or 2) even reel her in in the first place. Because there’s something to be said for the non-faux pretension of poverty dick. Crusty though it may be.



Men Who Dance Like Drake in “Hotline Bling.”

Believe it or not, there are many who will vehemently defend the embarrassing dance moves showcased by Drake in his latest video, “Hotline Bling.” Considering that the Canadian “rapper” is something of an honorary mascot for Williamsburg “men” who want to show off their soft side while setting the mood in their waterfront overlooking condo, it’s no wonder that the dickless ilk would like to believe that adopting Drake’s incongruous dance moves is a prudent idea for success with women.

Making the "naughty" no no finger gesture also doesn't help

Making the “naughty” no no finger gesture also doesn’t help

Although it might look like (to those with cataracts) Drake is dancing in a carefully cultivated manner, it is clear he has no idea what the fuck he’s doing, and further proves that “men” shouldn’t try to dance unless they’re John Travolta (who we all know is gay, thus explaining his skills on the floor). In any case, if you must dance at Output with a skank, please don’t model your moves after the “Hotline Bling” video.