Most “men” ought to seriously consider looking to Dick Tracy as their prototype for how not to be completely contemptible. And obviously, I’m referring to the incarnation depicted by Warren Beatty. Self-effacing and self-sacrificing, there is no “man” more attractive. And he even manages to make yellow work for his wardrobe. Which automatically leads to thoughts of a banana, which automatically leads to thoughts of a dick. You see, there’s a method to his sartorial madness.

And yet, for some foolish reason, there are no Dick Tracy types among us, merely those whose dick traces we must scrape and scrounge to find. Like dirt under our fingernails, however, there isn’t much we can really do with these traces. They’re briefly “fun” to look at in that anomalous, novelty sort of way, but, ultimately, prove of no use for anything other than the wastebasket.