Men Who Touch You Condescendingly/Try To Calm You Down When You’re Screaming.

In one of many iconic scenes in Empire Records, Corey (Liv Tyler) has a meltdown after her best friend, Gina (Renee Zellweger), calls her out for being a speed freak in front of everyone they work with. Subsequently, Corey starts freaking the fuck out, especially after her manager, Joe (Anthony LaPaglia), tries to calm her down by saying, “It’ll be fine.” Corey then starts knocking shit over and raging, “No! It’s not going to be fine! Nothing’s ever fine!”

The touch that spurs on more anger

The touch that spurs on more anger

It is every woman’s right to scream in a flurry of frustration. When a “man” tries–whether from a good place or not–to quell her anger, it merely serves to fan the flames. The best course of action is to allow her the luxury of seething, occasionally bringing her food or water as she endures the all-consuming bitterness of being alive. When you touch her shoulder or pat her condescendingly, it’s like saying, “Suppress your feelings ’cause it’s making me uncomfortable.” But you have to deal with the discomfort if you want the pussy.

Men: Why Are They All Condescending as Fuck?

I get that “men” allegedly discovered fire or whatever, but why are they always acting like they’re the end all, be all of existence? It’s almost like they assume the world couldn’t function perfectly well without their presence, regardless of what Dolce & Gabbana feels about in vitro fertilization.

Basically what "men" are thinking when they listen to you.

Basically what “men” are thinking when they listen to you.

So try not to take offense when some overconfident, overpaid asshole in a Willamsburg bar, gym, condo or waterfront setting presumes to listen to your thoughts or ideas with a half-cocked head (and no cock to speak of), nod along as though you’re the dumbest piece of shit since William Hung and then either say something demeaning or not acknowledge anything that you’ve said at all.