Men Who Attempt Sober January.

I never much understood people who attempted sobriety, whether long- or short-term. Thus, when “men” in Williamsburg and the greater Brooklyn area try to make a big to-do about “sober January,” I feel a little bit queasy. Function without alcohol? But why? To maintain your “mannish” figure? It makes no sense.

"Not for me. It's sober January."

“Not for me. It’s sober January.”

The one good thing about being a “man”—apart from being able to act like a totally condescending asshole and not get called a bitch or a slut for it—is that worrying about your body is not necessary. There will always be a woman with low self-esteem there to make you feel like you have the Ryan Gosling aesthetic that you don’t. So I’m just a hair unclear on why “men” would want to give up one of the only enjoyable social (and often non-social) pleasures there are in this life (especially the life specific to Brooklyn).

Men Who Buy Drinks and Expect You to Bang Them Afterward.

When you’re at a bar, wearing your whorish Forever 21 clothes and being both annoyed when a “man” hits on you and annoyed when he doesn’t, there’s nothing worse and more triumphant than when he finally buys you a drink. It’s nice for the obvious reasons in that you’ve just saved some money for the evening, but it’s also horrendous because now you’re, in his eyes, automatically beholden.

Another dilemma with being bought a drink

Another dilemma with being bought a drink

There are a number of ways to approach this situation once you’ve quickly guzzled the drink: 1) You can run out the door and go to the next bar, 2) You can entertain the “man’s” flirtations until someone else swoops you away or 3) You can fuck him. The third one is not typically recommended when you’re past the age of 20 as it connotes sluttiness rather than youthful naïveté. It’s also not recommended because if, as a “man,” you need to rely on buying drinks for women (cheap, shitty beer/shots from Lucky Dog, Skinny Dennis, etc., one might add), then you’re probably not very interesting or charming to begin with. At least start by saying something that infers you have magnetism beyond your wallet.