Discovering one’s “Top Nine” photos (don’t ask me why it’s such an arbitrary amount) is the thing to have done in the last days of 2017. But, truth be told, determining what images will be put on display in collage form needn’t endure the scrambling code of an app to tell any of us what these pictures from the dickless will yield: they’re going to be of himself, his “travels” (though one really oughtn’t count running or mountain hike photos) and his exercise regimes.

How sodding original. Worst of all, his hashtag will be as generic as #topnine. Not even something more unique in its blandness like #kingofadventure #cantstopwontstop #topnine. And what is his aim in partaking of this particular inane trend? To appear more attractive (even as an “attached” “man”) to the equally thirsty women following him. Because every “man” sans dick knows the importance of building himself up to the outside world in order to soften the blow (or lack thereof knowing most “men’s” stinginess with performing oral) when a potential new female comes to know him in real life–without, of course, ever cumming at his hand (he’s likely a finger banger to substitute for the nub). The usage of Top Nine, for a “man,” is thus, just an undercover form of a Tinder profile.