As Miranda Hobbes once said, “Sex is not a time to chat. In fact it’s one of the few instances in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life where it is perfectly appropriate, if not preferable, to shut up.” And yet, for whatever reason, it seems as though the talking in bed trend has made a fast and furious comeback with “men” in their early to mid-20s, perhaps and most likely attributable to the surfeit of porn that somehow indicates to them that the unreal and the feigned is the real.

However, most women will probably tell you that being whispered to while in bed is not only creepy and unarousing (especially since nothing good or labia-dampening is ever said), but that it actually detracts from their ability to efficiently achieve an orgasm–particularly one with any intensity. This isn’t to say that talking in bed shouldn’t ever be done, but it’s not something that can be executed willy nilly and without some level of forethought and finesse. A “man” can’t just go into the boudoir mouth loaded with porn-inspired lines. He needs to really tailor his “sexy talk” to the woman in question, appeal to what gets to and interests her. Not the version of her he’s imagining from the last internet-based image he saw.

Still worse than the “man” who talks is the “man” who expects you to reciprocate the conversation. Again, Miranda Hobbes comes to the rescue in breaking it down: “Now suddenly I have to worry about being stumped for conversation? No, thank you.” The last thing a woman wants to feel during sex is uncomfortable, pressured or like she’s somehow being set up to disappoint you by not catering to your weird ass needs and fetishes. So if you really can’t keep you fucking boca closed, at the very least don’t ask or expect her to chime in to reassure you that this is a great addition to enhancing the overall bang.