Men Who Need Daddy’s Money.

Listen, we all need Daddy’s money, truth be told. But some of us don’t have the luxury of either 1) having a rich dad 2) having a rich dad willing to unleash his pursestrings or 3) having a dead dad who has miraculously left us his fortune. That being said, one thinks back to the ultimate Daddy’s boy, Jesus Christ. Admittedly, Jesus had many stresses to endure and couldn’t be bothered with the task of getting a paying job–after all, the most important work tends to be that which does not pay (why is that, by the way?). But still, there was a certain quality about the feigned modesty of this Jewish (already providing a built-in neurosis) preacher that makes him something of an undercover fuckboy. Yeah, he died for “our” sins (not mine, like Patti Smith said), but he probably knew somewhere in the back of his mind that Daddy would be the one to save him by helping him to rise again.

A lot of people like to speculate that Jesus never took a lover (though we all know he had a little something going on with Mary Magdalene) because he was too righteous and pure to do so–he didn’t have time for no hoes, in essence. The actuality, however, is probably that he was talking way too much about his damn dad to catch a woman’s sexual interest, spewing shit like, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” First of all, he your dad, not mine. And secondly, what woman wants to compete with a patriarch who keeps his son in limitless thorn crowns and burlap-like attire? He’s obviously never going to pull himself up by his own sandal straps if Daddy’s always there to bail him out. What kind of “man” does that make for? The undesirable, delusionoid kind that would most likely rather spend an evening with his father than you anyway.

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