In truth, the only “man” who has ever gotten away with declaring a hand-holding fetish is John Lennon–and even then, he needed the other Beatles to help him out in backing him up with this conviction. But, outside of the pre-psychedelic 60s, holding a girl’s hand is not only completely gross, but generally rife with motives and disingenuousness.

There’s a reason why, when this happens to you, you feel spurious or like one of those Ralph Lauren-wearing couples that occasionally walk down the street in parts of Manhattan. Because not only are you pretending your hands aren’t sweating bullets after a time, you’re also marveling at just how fake you feel letting a “man” Smith Jerrod you. And, like Samantha Jones, you might go so far as to let yourself fall down a hatch on the sidewalk in order to avoid this level of uncomfortableness.

For you see, more than a gesture of tenderness or inveterate kindness, the “man” who wants to hold your hand is laying claim to you in a way that embarrassingly parades to everyone that you’re “his.” That’s why Ferris Bueller’s clammy hand symptom is good for staving off the overall phoniness of this gesture.