There are a lot of embarrassing issues a “man” must endure: being broke, being egregiously close to his parents and, of course, having a nonexistent dick. But among the latest embarrassments is the trend in “baby-faced men” being incapable of growing a beard and therefore getting a beard transplant to mask their lack of virility.

This outline for a transplant, incidentally, looks like half a dick

The motives in agreeing to spend money on concealing a lacking propensity toward the hirsute stems from one reason: a “man” wants to be perceived as an older, burly sort so that women are duped into thinking he’s worth a damn. A beard is a way to coast on this false perception. But truth be told, some of the biggest bitch boys of all-time have beards: Ben Affleck, Jake Gyllenhaal and Zack Galifianakis, for example. Getting a transplant isn’t going to change what you are: a hopeless dickless being. So why not spend your money on a prostitute who won’t care about your many inadequacies?