In the modern world, falling into the category of “hipster dad” is relatively easy–and dangerous. Being “into” trends and dressing like you’ve never advanced past the age of twenty-five are all key telltale signs to determining whether or not you’re bringing shame to the original dad moniker.

Not qualified to be a dad

Apart from the fact that the spawn of hipster dads are generally treated more like accessories than entities to impart any sort of wisdom upon, it is a disgrace to forefathers of dadhood who previously instilled the fear of god in children with their disciplinarian ways. “Discipline daddies,” to borrow a term from Arrested Development, would never feed their children crème fraîche or send them to a charter school before the age of five or pay for a charter school of any kind. In the glory dads of fatherhood, a child was content to accept what was given and not demand clothing from somewhere like Sweet William Ltd. Because of these dads, the world is soon to be faced with an extremely lily-livered and incapable population. So this Father’s Day, think about what your own self-satisfaction in being a hipster dad is doing to the future of humanity.

Love,

Missing A Dick