Being that “men” and breasts possess a creepy Oedipal undertone, it’s no wonder that they’re so consumed by touching, sucking and grabbing them. With this in mind, it often seems as though they forget there’s actually a human being attached to the other side of these largely non-functional body parts.

Easy there

This is why it can often feel as though your breast is about to be ripped off, Ted Bundy-style, when you’re engaged in physical contact with a “man.” So enraptured by the bulbous shape (it’s assumed you have breast implants if you can afford to live in Williamsburg) of your tits, he’s liable to paw and grasp at them until you feel like they might just come clean off from all the passion. Chain mail, thus, seems to be the only recourse.