Eating “artisanal” ice cream is definitely a judgment call in terms of how badly you want to maintain a modicum of your below-the-waist bulge. Some “men” are perfectly fine with sacrificing a bit of their dick to take a delicious, creamy bite out of some Van Leeuwen ice cream. But the line gets drawn when he decides to do it at the flagship store on Wythe Avenue.

Buy it from the truck if you must

The 1,200 square foot space allows a “man’s” dick to get lost in the ether as he delights in purchasing such things as vegan ice cream and unconscionable bougie flavors like black rice with Buffalo Trace bourbon. Jesus Christ, just go to the fuckin’ grocery store and buy a carton of Talenti if you need to satisfy such dickless cravings.

.