In a recent interview, Madonna was asked about her opinion on Fifty Shades of Grey. Like most intelligent people, she wasn’t impressed. In particular, it was Christian Grey’s predilection for constantly eating out that made her quite skeptical of the story’s credibility.

In addition to finding the book “not very sexy,” Madonna further commented, “I kept waiting for something exciting and crazy to happen in that red room thing, and I was like, ‘Hmm, a lot of spanking.’ I also thought, ‘This is so unrealistic because no guy goes down on a girl that much.’ I’m sorry, but no one eats pussy as much as the guy in that book.” And, if, in fact, you’re one of the “men” who proves Madonna’s belief to be true, then you best whip those tongue muscles into shape and get to werq. This is Williamsburg, not Jersey–you’re not Corrado fucking Soprano.