Men Who Apply For Affordable Housing in Williamsburg.

It’s bad enough to be truly dickless by being able to afford to live in Williamsburg. But to want to aspire to dicklessness by applying for affordable housing in Williamsburg is much worse. Indeed, it is a far nobler act to be contented with your poverty-stricken lot outside of this neighborhood, instead of lusting after a $640 a month studio near McCarren Park.

What "man" wouldn't want to live near this cess pool of class climbers?

What “man” wouldn’t want to live near this cess pool of class climbers?

Perhaps during the 2007-2010 period, it would have been understandable to still want to aspire to living in Williamsburg, however, at this moment in time, it is, hands down, one of the most concrete indications of being a douche bag/ex-frat boy. If you want affordable housing, show some goddamn gumption and start gentrifying East New York.

Men Who Aren’t Mourning the Loss of Trash Bar.

It’s utterly pointless to get upset over the toppling of the dominoes known as Williamsburg bars at this juncture. It is especially dickless to mourn places like Spike Hill, where the genitalia-less “man” thrived on performing lackluster music.

But Trash Bar being ousted out of the neighborhood as a result of quadrupling rents is something every “man” should be at least somewhat mournful of, as he’s probably enjoyed his fair share of free tater tots there. It’s not about Trash Bar itself, but rather, what it represented: the only beacon of untouchable filth left in the neighborhood. It was the final source for finding a gritty “man” left in Williamsburg. And now it’s just another death in an ever-waning family of alcoholic ports in the storm.

Men Who Shell Out 40 Million Dollars for Real Estate.

Not that I could ever know what it’s like to have money or how business works (which is why I’ll never know what it’s like to have money), but it seems to me that spending forty million dollars on a real estate deal is a little excessive in the missing a dick category. If you have forty million dollars you should use it for something good, like traveling or designer labels–not fucking real estate deals that further decimate a neighborhood.

Dunkin' Donuts is part of a 40 million dollar building. Seems really worth it.

Dunkin’ Donuts is part of a 40 million dollar building. Seems really worth it.

What this building will be transformed into remains to be seen (though a Dunkin’ Donuts was already there to begin with), but whatever it is will obviously not be worth the money plunked down to make it into [insert shitty brand here]. Not even if it was a store that contained Donatella Versace in an all-white room reading your tarot.