I never much understood people who attempted sobriety, whether long- or short-term. Thus, when “men” in Williamsburg and the greater Brooklyn area try to make a big to-do about “sober January,” I feel a little bit queasy. Function without alcohol? But why? To maintain your “mannish” figure? It makes no sense.

“Not for me. It’s sober January.”

The one good thing about being a “man”—apart from being able to act like a totally condescending asshole and not get called a bitch or a slut for it—is that worrying about your body is not necessary. There will always be a woman with low self-esteem there to make you feel like you have the Ryan Gosling aesthetic that you don’t. So I’m just a hair unclear on why “men” would want to give up one of the only enjoyable social (and often non-social) pleasures there are in this life (especially the life specific to Brooklyn).