A recent rash of robberies at Williamsburg bars by a thief targeting unattended bags leaves one to automatically to assume that the victims were women. However, one description does not specifically state that the person whose “bag” was stolen was a female, leading one to deduce that, in fact, he was a “man.”

Because this isn’t Europe, “man bags” have never been passable, in spite of the ever-lax gender roles offered by the twenty-first century. To be frank, a “man” with a “bag” deserves to have it stolen. Because not only is it a crime against fashion, but a crime against your dick to have one. A backpack is maybe acceptable, but a “bag,” never. Just ask Joey Tribbiani.