Men Who Call You Like A Dog.

I don’t really know where “men” got this notion that making noises at women as they walk by is conducive to getting a resounding, “Yes, I’ll fuck you!” in return. Maybe it stems from their lack of conversation skills or their general animalistic nature. Like so many things involving getting to the root of the male psyche, it’s a mystery.

Don't holla at yo girl

Don’t holla at yo girl

Perhaps a synapse in their brain just explodes when they see something they want to fuck and they can’t control themselves, acting like a dog as they call you like one. Though this tends to be rare during the daytime in Williamsburg, when all the “polite society” is still out with their strollers, the vibe tends to change at night. With the fall of the darkness comes the fall of the veneer of being decorous. “Men” feel comfortable calling out to your like you’re their goddamn domestic animal. But it’s okay, because you’re only going to keep walking away, leaving them to feel foolish in their attempts. Then again, we are dealing with the dickless sort, so they may not know what it means to be ashamed about anything.

Men Who Can’t Get Past the Introduction/Mute Men.

Many “men” of this generation have trouble forming sentences or carrying on a conversation at any length past the three minute mark (a personal best). This could be due to the common theories of too much extended time staring at various screens for video game or porn purposes or simply because grunting is their most effective means of communication.

Even Jesus can't cure the muteness happening in Williamsburg

Even Jesus can’t cure the muteness happening in Williamsburg

Some “men” may argue that they’re so quiet because women are so loud, sucking up all the air out of the room with their constant chatter, but this just isn’t the truth. Though admittedly, the wives of Williamsburg do love to prattle on about the latest garment they just bought or the chicest new restaurant they ate at. Be that as it may, the reason women feel compelled to be so verbose is a direct result of a “man’s” conversational ability rivaling that of a dullard’s. So if you really want to get a lady wet, start talking. But don’t bloviate. In that case, you might as well just blow.

Men Who Take Things Too Literally.

In addition to most “men” taking it up the ass, they also seem to enjoy taking things too literally. Who knows if it stems from an education at Pratt or NYU? Whatever the reason, there is no room for abstraction with Williamsburg “men.” Short of saying, “I want a drink” and “I work at [insert low-paying, high-profile company here], you can’t verbalize much else in the way of natural conversation.

A stand located on Bedford Avenue

A stand located on Bedford Avenue

Because being figurative involves a hair more intelligence in that it requires actual imagination and interpretation, many “men” prefer to cloy to the comfortableness of apparentness (e.g. big tits, bleach blonde hair and the like). Then again, those that try too hard at the poetical representation of something tend to be called hipsters or, simply, pretentious. Yes, there is a fine line between being bro literal and hipster grandiloquent. But a “man” with a dick knows how to perfectly toe that line.

Men Who Eat Flaccid Food.

From soggy burritos at San Loco to limp fries at Extra Fancy, there’s a wealth of flaccid food in the Williamsburg vicinity. The “man” who chooses to eat said food (’cause God knows he ain’t eatin’ no pussy–the ultimate in wet and soggy factor) not only displays an utter lack of couthness and epicurean savvy, but also undoubtedly mimics his own personal flaccidness.

Would you kiss a man who ate this?

Would you kiss a man who ate this?

One can gauge whether or not a “man” is a regular flaccid food consumer by watching his reaction to you asking if he wants to eat at Subway–the mac daddy of floppy, drooping sandwiches. If he looks excited about heading over to the location on Bedford, you need to cut bait and look for a man who likes his food the way he likes his vag: tight, firm and with no hairs on it.

Men Who Eat And/Or Handle Pussy With the Disgust of a Gay Man.

Even if you cross the initial hurdle of finding a “man” who eats pussy as often as he should, the next step is finding one who doesn’t treat your delicate flesh as though it’s contaminated (though of course it might be). Contrary to the common desire of “men” to want women to become as instantaneously wet as Lolita, getting to that point takes a certain amount of handling and the illusion of giving a shit about that specific vag. Bearing the psychological complexities of an actual human being, expecting to make a vag wet by either 1) not touching/licking it or 2) appearing utterly disgusted while doing the aforementioned (either through facial expression or disinterested hand or tongue motions) is not realistic.

This is how women look and feel when they're getting head from a "man" who handles a vag like vermin

This is how women look and feel when they’re getting head from a “man” who handles their vag like vermin

Let us take a moment to review the sort of “man” who is generally repulsed by a vagina: gay ones. While many women will be the first to admit that a pussy isn’t the most pleasant with regard to aesthetic and odor, it is also not the most foul creation ever to be rendered into existence. So stop treating it as such. Requests for a woman to take a shower before you eat her out will result in complete rescindment of the sexual offer, as it indicates you are something of a bitch who can’t handle and/or treat the pussy with the respect it’s due. Entreaties to shave or wax are justifiable, though not when your reaction to the orifice continues to be one of sheer revulsion. So as you work through your contempt for the V, you may also need to work through the possibility that your sexuality is a 6 on the Kinsey scale.