From soggy burritos at San Loco to limp fries at Extra Fancy, there’s a wealth of flaccid food in the Williamsburg vicinity. The “man” who chooses to eat said food (’cause God knows he ain’t eatin’ no pussy–the ultimate in wet and soggy factor) not only displays an utter lack of couthness and epicurean savvy, but also undoubtedly mimics his own personal flaccidness.

One can gauge whether or not a “man” is a regular flaccid food consumer by watching his reaction to you asking if he wants to eat at Subway–the mac daddy of floppy, drooping sandwiches. If he looks excited about heading over to the location on Bedford, you need to cut bait and look for a man who likes his food the way he likes his vag: tight, firm and with no hairs on it.