If you’re a “man” who doesn’t know what a trowel is, then you’ve probably never used your hands for anything beyond masturbation. This basic construction tool not only represents Having a Dick 101, but it also helped build the condo you now live in, so you should probably show a modicum of respect by at least knowing its name.

Trowels can also be a handy go-to for substituting either your own dick or passing off to your lady of the moment to use as a strap-on/dildo situation. They also make a great murder weapon for the Patrick Batemans of Williamsburg or a great cheek slicer for those looking to emulate Heath Ledger as The Joker, which you’ll inevitably want to do if you keep living your life of dicklessness and materialism.