There’s something to be said for a “man” who doesn’t put a premium on aesthetics. I don’t see it as a lack of discernment so much as a lack of vanity and self-inflated ego. Because, honestly, who the fuck do you think you are to deserve someone of a manic pixie dream girl caliber? You’re probably a toad yourself.

With this in mind, it seems a bit absurd to deny whatever’s left of your dick the healthy and essential practice of releasing semen. It’s really your own fault if you rely solely on masturbation as a primary form of discharge. I get that you live in Williamsburg and you were expecting every prospect thrown your way to be attractive, but instead you’ve found that only the people who work at Dunkin’ Donuts and Tasti D-Lite are interested in you. So what? You should just go for it. Just ignore that bubbly mole or deflated breast. If you close your eyes, you can picture anything, even living in a deluxe condo.