Reading into texting is simply an unavoidable construct of the twenty-first century. However, certain dickless men make it impossible to interpret anything with responses like “Idk” or “Ugh.” Are women so unworth the effort of forming a complete and meaningful sentence? What could you possibly be doing besides masturbating (or, rather, trying to pull at the flap of skin in place of your dick) that could prevent you from taking some time to write a coherent thought?

Distracted by porn.

As a denizen of Williamsburg, you might think you have an edge because of your financial status. You don’t. But what could give you an edge is actually speaking like a human being, and not some sort of Neanderthal automaton. It’s not as though we’re expecting some poetic response, novel in length. But a simple utterance of more than one to two words would really show that you give a shit. And so, if you’re teetering between dicklessness and at least having a nub, work on your texting steez please.